Aiya.......

Ok, I'm kinda depressed these days...

I don't know what's wrong... actually, I do... but it shouldn't be depressing me this much...
I'm kinda just waking up, doing work, sleeping, being kinda listless.

Actually, that's not true, I mean, if you see me, I'm normal, and do everything that everyone else does... but just somehow, sometimes, this would pop into my head that takes me into kinda a depressed mood.

I'd have to shake my head, watch some anime, sleep, or study to get it out... or more like, to move it aside... but the feeling is still there. I can feel it lurking in the background........

Even now, actually, especially now, since I'm talking about it... I can feel it. Its like a tension in your body... I have no idea how to get rid of it... or solve it...

And this is where I say, I hate it.

I really really hate this feeling.

But it also means something that I should be acknoledging as not such a bad thing. It means I'm human too, and that I think about things just as everyone else. I get depressed and hurt just as everyone else. And not over little fickle things, everyone can throw a tantrum.....

But honestly. I tend to take an indifferent approach to things. It allows me to think rationally. I take things as they don't affect me personally. Because of that, I don't get surprised by traumatic news, I don't get shocked by bad events. Nothing, just act as told.....

When my mom stopped breathing this winter holiday, I called the ambulance, cancelled her appointment for the next day, gave an account of what happened with no emotion on my face. Not even on my face. I didn't feel anything, just didn't.

When my grandpa was diagnosed with cancer and was in the hospital, once again, nothing.

Even when people tell me good news, or astonishing news, weird news, funny news.... nothing. Often times, my first reaction is "So?" and then I would think of a counter news/action to negate whatever is so special about the original news.

I wasn't always like this... I wasn't known as a cry-baby throughout my childhood for nothing. Now that I think about it, perhaps I was too emotional as a child... is this just a counter balance that my internal system is trying to sort things out?

This is my first time saying something like this. This is post number 70. Which means, 69 posts preceding this one, not one of them will show any insight on how I feel. I usually recount my day, certain events or stuff like that.....


This isn't one of those low self-esteem or "who am i" things ppl go through. Trust me, I've been there and done that.... I'm pretty sure who I am, what kind of person I am, I'm aware of my faults, and I know more or less the cause of them from tracing my upbringing. I'm done that whole problems shit. Right now, I know perfectly well why i'm feel the way I do. All I can say is, I can't fix it, and I don't like it. Its something that was bound to happen. And it did... and I don't like it... makes me feel insecure. And I hate feeling insecure.

Ok, I'll shut up now.

Yuy Ren